Triangulation
Published Dec 2025 · Last updated Feb 2026
Triangulation is a manipulative tactic used in dysfunctional families and by narcissists where a third person (or object/party) is introduced into a dyadic relationship to create imbalance, competition, or validation for the manipulator. Initially described by Murray Bowen (1978), it stabilizes a stressful two-person system by venting anxiety onto a third. In dating, a partner might triangulate by constantly mentioning an ex, flirting with others in front of you, or comparing you to a parent. This provokes jealousy and insecurity, making the victim compete for the manipulator's approval. It creates a 'me and them against you' or 'me and you against them' dynamic, preventing direct resolution of conflict.
Common Questions
What is Triangulation?
Triangulation is a manipulative tactic used in dysfunctional families and by narcissists where a third person (or object/party) is introduced into a dyadic relationship to create imbalance, competition, or validation for the manipulator. Initially described by Murray Bowen (1978), it stabilizes a stressful two-person system by venting anxiety onto a third. In dating, a partner might triangulate by constantly mentioning an ex, flirting with others in front of you, or comparing you to a parent. This provokes jealousy and insecurity, making the victim compete for the manipulator's approval. It creates a 'me and them against you' or 'me and you against them' dynamic, preventing direct resolution of conflict.
What is an example of triangulation?
Responding to triangulation requires calm, direct language that refuses to engage with the third-party dynamic. Bowen (1978) described triangulation as a way to manage anxiety by roping in a third person — whether it's an ex, a friend, or a family member. The most effective response is a short, boundaried message that addresses the behavior without getting pulled into the triangle. Lovulative's Text Script Vault ($24) provides scripts for naming manipulation tactics clearly and setting firm boundaries — without over-explaining or becoming reactive.
Don't compete. When a partner triangulates, the only winning move is not to play. The Clarity System helps you spot this manipulation immediately.
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